Undateable

A couple of weeks ago, there was a show on VH1 called “Undateable”. The purpose of the show was to highlight the 100 things men do that make it so that no civilized woman would date or sleep with them in this lifetime. I only saw enough of it to know that men should not wear chef pants in public. Okay, sounds reasonable. But it made me think of a few other things that, at least in my mind, make it impossible for a guy to get past a first date. So here are my additions:

Do not ever say, “I really don’t read books.” Even if it’s true, loser, do not say that out loud. First of all, if reading is good enough for LeVar Burton, it’s good enough for you. Second of all, being able to slog all the way through a book says that you’ve got a can-do attitude. That you’re not the kind of guy who will give up at the first sign of foreshadowing. That you’re interested in something that takes more than five minutes of sustained concentration. Listen, it doesn’t have to be Portnoy’s Complaint, okay, just make it something beyond the latest issue of Maxim. And if you can’t do it, just fake it. You can’t ever go wrong with The Great Gatsby. Just rent the movie.

Do not mention what your weight was or how much you bench pressed in high school. I don’t know why you think this is a conversation point. I can’t date the high school you, no matter how ripped he was, and what I see in front of me is a guy who’s about 5’10” weighs 185, and can maybe bench press forty-five pounds. Also: don’t say, “I’m getting back into shape.” That is just code for, “I am currently fat.”

Do not talk about all of the food you haven’t tried because it’s weird. Everybody knows that a man who won’t try sushi is a man who never deviates from the missionary position, and a guy who insists on eating chicken and potatoes at every meal is going to doom you to watching Two and a Half Men for the rest of your life, which, apparently, is how long that show is going to be on. Can’t you just die, Charlie Sheen? Sure, none of us are as worldly as we would like to be, unless our name is Nicolas Sarkozy, (or Sade), but suck it the hell up and eat something that couldn’t readily be found on the menu at Applebee’s.

Do not pull out your phone. Don’t do it. I know, this may sound unfair, especially if the woman has her phone out or is texting away, but there’s something really unmasculine about a guy on a tiny little phone, sending text messages like a teenage girl. You can try to make it more manly by calling it a Blackberry, but it might as well be a pink princess phone. Also, see above re: showing your ability to concentrate for longer than five minutes. No woman wants to be with a man who has to play with his phone every five minutes. You’re not that important, hotshot.

Do not talk about how much money your parents have, unless they are leprechauns.

Last but not least, and this one is important: do not say anything that you have to follow up with, “I’m just joking.” Example: “If I found out my girlfriend cheated on me, I would kill her. I’m just joking!” Or, “I’ve watched that Erin Andrews video, like a hundred times. I’m just joking!” Or, “Once, I had to go to the clinic to get tested because this girl I’d been...I mean, she was with everyone…and did you know that they used this giant Q-tip and stick it up your…..uh…..I’m just joking!”