HMR 4U

My son and I pay close attention to license plates. Not for smart reasons, mind you, but because we get to hit each other when we see a specialty plate that includes the make of the car, like “MY BUG” or “BEEMER42”. Here’s how it goes: we drive down the street, the first person to see the offending plate screams what it says, (“HLO NEON”!) then yells, “Five points!” (although we have yet to determine how to use, or even cash in our points) and then hits the other person on the arm as hard as possible. It is not abuse because we avoid the face.

So, needless to say, I am alert to specialty plates. One, in particular, got my attention. “GODS VN” it proclaims with confidence. I have no issue with the fact that it is, in fact a van. And not a minivan, mind you, but a full-on, curtains-in-the-window conversion van – the kind that people owned in the 80’s before the advent of the SUV. My issue comes with the other part. The GODS part of GODS VN. So, GODS VN owner, here are my issues:

#1: This is obvious, but it bears mentioning: you’re missing an apostrophe. Judging by your religiously-and politically-oriented bumper stickers, I’m guessing that you meant to say GOD’S VN, meaning, the VN of Our Father who art in heaven. But, absent this bit of punctuation, what you’re actually saying is that you’re driving the VN of the gods, as in multiple. As in polytheism, like what those hippie communists and foreigners do (not the good kind of foreigners, either).

#2: Let’s forgive your grammatical error, and assume that you’re, in fact, driving GOD’S VN: don’t you think that God would drive something a little snazzier? If He had enough wisdom to appoint Bono as his spokesperson on earth, don’t you think he’s hip enough to at least drive a Mercedes Viano? Between you and me, I don’t think God would drive a VN at all. He’s said it himself: he’s jealous of other gods, and I can tell you for damn sure that neither Vishnu nor Vahiguru would be caught dead in a conversion VN. Have you ever seen how many arms Vishnu has? He’d need something custom, for sure.

#3: Even forgiving the egregious grammatical error AND assuming against all reason that God, in fact, would drive a VN, there’s the matter of the message that you are asserting that God is trying to send with this particular VN. I mentioned before the various political stickers all over this VN. They include the likes of: McCain/Palin, Bush/Cheney, Abortion Stops a Beating Heart, My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter, any manner of Jesus Fish, and Send Obama Back to Africa or some other whatnot. Let’s just stop here for a moment. Do you really think that God would get his message out through tacky bumper stickers affixed to a VN with curtains on it? Really? And if that’s the best God could do, do you honestly think that his most pressing matter in the entire world would be making up a bullshit birthplace for our President? Where the hell do you think Jesus was born? Jersey?

So, how about this, GODS VN: instead of wasting the gifts and talents that God gave to you by affixing sanctimonious bumper stickers to your VN like a second-grader, why don’t you show us what it’s like to live in the image of God, Vishnu, Mohammed, or Bono himself. Befriend a Jew. Hug a Democrat. Go sit with an old person. Who knows, it just might get you into heaven.