Car racing is actually the most boring sport.

Baseball is the greatest sport. Yeah, I’m throwing it down just like that. Sure, it lasts from March to October, and sure, the teams play 162 games, which is a lot to keep track of, and there is generally very little tackling in baseball, but I assure you, there are many things to love.

First: Baseball is intriguing as hell. To the naked eye, it looks like a bunch of doofuses trying to hit a ball. You hit it, you run, if you make it, you’re safe. If you don’t hit it, it’s either a ball or strike, depending on what the umpire says. If you’re standing on a base, you should run, usually when someone else has hit the ball, but sometimes even if they haven’t. Team with the highest score wins. But within that really simple premise is the whole mental game between the pitcher, the catcher and the hitter, the skippers of both teams, and then the beautiful, sometimes unpredictable variants of physics and wind velocity that can turn home runs into a long out or an excuse-me swing into a legitimate double. These guys have to be on top of their shit at all times, like twitchy little meth addicts, eyes darting back and forth, back and forth, back and forth to see what’s going to happen at any moment.

Second: Arguably, the most reviled man in baseball is Barry Bonds. Why is Barry Bonds considered such a disgrace? Because he allegedly took drugs that were not criminally illegal at the time but were banned from baseball, and he’s ruder than baseball people think he should be. I’ll give his detractors the benefit of the doubt and even submit that Barry Bonds may be a bit of an asshole. This is the worst guy in baseball. Compare him to the worst guy in football: OJ SIMPSON!!!!! Second place: Dog Torturer Michael Vick. The worst guy in basketball? Rapist Kobe Bryant? Jayson Williams? Bonds MAY be an asshole (personally, I think he would be my friend. I mean, not friends all the time, but sometimes. He’s a great talent, you know) but he never killed, raped or electrocuted anyone. Don’t even make me bring up professional hockey players.

Next: Baseball seems like a game that normal people could play. Let’s get real, here. To be a professional basketball player, a guy has got to be at least 6’4”, have long arms, and be able to jump. Sort of a very specialized body type….a guy who’s 5’6” and pear-shaped, regardless of how much he practices, is likely NEVER EVER EVER going to make it. Same with football. Offensive linemen all look like Hagrid from Harry Potter – giant and tall and squarish. Defensive linemen are even more special, because not only are they tall and muscular, those men are fast like scary evil demons. Hard to find people to meet these qualifications for the pros. Professional baseball players: they look like the guys who live down the street from you. Have you ever seen CC Sabathia? He is a fatass. Remember David Eckstein? I could probably take that guy in a fight, except he looks like he’d be a hair puller. Although athletes, baseball players seem more like the kind of athletes that you and I would be if we went to a really good gym. And baseball players seem like nice guys, too. The kind whose family you would want to invite over if you were going to have a barbeque. Except A-Rod –he might be a dick. He’d probably hit on your wife. Just don’t take your eyes off of that one.

Last but not least, baseball is the only sport in which the manager gets suited up, just like the players. Like, just in case he make one too many double-switches, Tony LaRussa might just try to sneak in himself. And they do it all, right down to the knee-high socks and the tight little pants. On Joe Girardi, it looks good. On Bobby Cox…..you can judge for yourself. I think it’s precious, and I adore the fact that the managers dressing the same as the team serves no purpose except to respect the fact that it’s always been done that way. Bill Belichick could hardly get out of his pajamas to coach a football team. Pat Riley would be nothing without his thousand dollar suits. Imagine trying to coach a hockey team in that hockey getup. I don’t even think those guys can go to the bathroom by themselves. Hockey uniforms are GIANT.

So, it’s almost August. You still have time, friends. Catch a game. Eat some nachos and sing in the 7th inning stretch. You’re gonna love it.