My big fat benevolent dictatorship

If I ruled the world, a couple of things would change. Nothing major at first, because honestly, I just learned this year that China and Mongolia are TOTALLY DIFFERENT COUNTRIES! But some minor things that I think would make the world a better place. I’d like to run them past you and see what you think:

1. There would be a waiting period on tattoos, just like there’s a waiting period on guns. And there would be a written test for the tattoo, just like there’s a written test to carry a gun. On the written test, there would be questions like, “Do you speak or write Chinese? If not, why do you want to get a Chinese symbol on your arm?” and, “In twenty words or less, please describe what the barbed wire tattoo means to you.” Also: “Really? A scorpion? Really?”

2. There would be a mandatory cookie break every day.

3. Tiaras would be outlawed, except for queens and beauty pageant winners. I know, they are a symbol of…..something….maybe something having to do with getting married or having a birthday or a bachelorette party? I just think of starving children in Africa, and then I think of American girls wearing tiaras to symbolize that they are super-special for a day, and the two don’t go together. So no tiaras. Sorry.

4. PUPPIES would be the official symbol of the world! Here’s why: puppies are cute, friendly, they have adorable puppy breath and they would look great on a flag. My vote is for a Shiba Inu or St. Bernard puppy on the flag, but I am thoroughly open to suggestions. Mean people would be subjected to the “puppy treatment” where they are required to watch puppies frolicking for approximately one hour. The airing of the Puppy Bowl will be a national holiday. It will be great and you will love it.

5. Anyone who acts like an asshole in a parking lot will be sent to driving school (and asshole school). Obviously, people will be subjected to the puppy treatment, but they will also learn when it’s appropriate to claim a handicapped spot (any guesses here?), when to cut in front of someone to claim a spot (never), how you should treat innocent pedestrians walking through the parking lot (do NOT run them over), and how to perform the Thank You Wave.

6. Hockey jerseys will be forbidden, unless one is actually playing hockey. Here’s a quick observation: no one looks good in a hockey jersey. Not even hockey players. They are shapeless and square and the colors are generally jarring and upset my digestion. Those who currently own a hockey jersey will have it replaced by a cute and comfortable long-sleeved henley. Their necklines are flattering on almost everyone.

7. So You Think You Can Dance will be on year-round. There will be some changes, of course….there will be an international cast, Nigel will have to stop making lecherous comments to young girls, Mary Murphy will not be allowed to scream, Mia Michaels will have to shut the fuck up with her crazy talk, and Cat Deeley will have to announce on every show that she is my best friend. But seriously, people, dance is a beautiful way to bring worlds together. It lifts the spirit, it inspires me to do a lot of crunches, and it is a language that everyone can speak. This is non-negotiable.

8. Wind will be forbidden when I am out on a run. I know, this might be flaunting my power as ruler of the world, but I am not backing down on this one. I’ve had to put up with wind on my runs for far too long, and I am sick of wind getting in my face. All I want is an hour or so to run in peace, and I don’t need to be running in a wind tunnel the whole time. Okay? So, whatever, wind engineers or whoever knows about this stuff, make it happen.

9. The world needs to learn a little bit about Woody Hayes.

10. Last but not least, and I’m still working on this one, everyone is going to have to hold hands with a stranger. That’s right, a total stranger, and say, “Tell me about yourself. I would like to learn about you.” And then listen.