Two trains leave two stations....

I had to take remedial math in college. Because I suck at math. I became an English major, not necessarily because of my love of Chaucer, but because it was the furthest thing I could find from math. And I get pissed off at math, too. “Solving for X” to me means, “You’ll probably need to hire a professional for this one.” I have no love for X. X isn’t real. If X were real, X would have a name.

Word problems, especially, were my nemesis. Instead of figuring out how to place the word problem into a solvable equation, I always tried to figure out why the hell the people in these problems were in these situations in the first place. For example….

Question 1: “Jim and Sarah, who are hiking in wilderness, decide to leave their tent and walk around a lake. They start going in the opposite directions. Jim hikes at the rate of 3 miles per hour. Sarah hikes at the rate of 2 miles per hour. The perimeter of the lake is 10 miles. How long will it be before they meet?”

My answer: I don’t think that Jim and Sarah really care to meet. Jim and Sarah clearly went their separate ways a while ago, partially because Jim is a selfish bastard who won’t slow down. “I need to get in my workout,” he says to Sarah, “and I don’t really work up a sweat when I walk with you.” Sarah, meanwhile, emotionally disconnected from Jim years ago when she realized that he would never be the toned, fit triathlete she’d always hoped for. He was a guy who walked for exercise. So here, even if Jim and Sarah do eventually meet up, it will be a hollow, empty reunion, full of silent resentment and regret. Sure, they have the house in the suburbs, the adorable Goldendoodle puppy and their group of shared friends that they’ve had since college, but is that really all there is to life? When they meet, it will be a purely physical meeting, an inevitable consequence of their two tiny lives, walking in circles.

Question #2: “Bob has an important presentation to deliver at the meeting and needs to arrive as early as possible. He knows that the train travels at 80 miles per hour, but has a 30 – minute layover halfway through the 156-mile trip. He also knows that his friend cannot depart before 8:00 A.M. and will adamantly refuse to drive any faster than 55 miles per hour. If both methods of transportation leave at the same time (8:00 A.M.), will the train or the car allow him to reach the regional sales meeting sooner?”

My answer: Shouldn’t we really be considering why Bob can’t drive himself to the presentation? He seems to have all kinds of excuses: “My car’s a lease,” being the most frequent. But weren’t there rumors, a couple of months ago, about a DUI and a license suspension? If Bob has a problem with drugs or alcohol, it’s really to his interests to take care of that problem, rather than pretending that nothing’s wrong. And what about Bob’s friend? He seems like a real control freak. Why can he only leave at 8 am, and why does he insist on only driving 55 mph? Is he one of those people who take over the passing lane of the freeway, not letting anyone get anywhere? I think I hate Bob’s friend. Ultimately, this is my advice to Bob: get out of sales. It’s a hard life. As you’ve learned Bob, it can lead to substance abuse problems, and this economy is no place for a salesman. Go back to school, Bob.

Question #3: “Suppose that it takes Tom and Dick 2 hours to do a certain job, it takes Tom and Harry 3 hours to do the same job and it takes Dick and Harry 4 hours to do the same job. How long would it take Tom, Dick and Harry to do the same job if all three men worked together?”

My answer: The answer here is irrelevant, because any good manager would just fire Harry. He is clearly the weak link. I would promote Tom, as he’s the hardest worker. I understand, Harry is totally fun to be around, and you can hardly get two words out of Tom, but fun is for the weekends, people. Time is money. You should ask Tom if he has any friends. I bet they would work hard, too. That way, you would have lots of extra money, and could go out boozing with Bob.