And Chesley Sullenberger will be the mayor!

We are all going to heaven. I know this may be disappointing to a few who really are convinced that their enemies will all burn, but no worries. Everyone’s getting in. But, obviously, if we want everyone to be happy in heaven, and that’s sort of the point, there is a bit of segregation that’s going to have to happen. It’s for everyone’s happiness, really. So, essentially, here’s how I figure it’s going to go: there’s a side of heaven for all of the liberal, gay-loving, bleeding heart, big-government, socialized health care, NPR listening freaks, and then there’s the other side.

On one side of heaven, there will be bars. They will open at 4 in the afternoon (just after yoga!) and they will be run by a couple of gays, a pot-smoking expatriate who spent twenty years in a little town off of Mallorca and a vaguely European couple who don’t seem to do much but lend a really cool vibe to the scene. Drinks are free, and I will be simultaneously dating George Clooney and Mike Mussina. God will drop in, and he will look like Buddha, or Mohammad, or Vishnu, or George Burns. He will occasionally wear a sweater. Atheists are welcome but are usually confused. On this side of heaven, people will love, and fight, and cry, and make mistakes, and be more alive than they were on Earth. It will be better than Earth, though, because no one will be ordering anyone to buy organic or buy Baby Einstein shit for their infants. There will probably be a nacho bar every night with a cheese fountain and a lot of guacamole.

On the other side of heaven there will be rules. All kinds of rules. Because the people on this side of heaven like rules. Or at least they like telling other people what the rules are. There will be rules about the kind of music that can be listened to (Carrie Underwood), and there will be rules about what kind of dancing can be done (square). There will be no gays, no unwed mothers, no one who’s ever had premarital sex or an abortion, no Jews, no foreigners, except those from western Europe, no one who’s ever cracked a hilarious joke about Jesus, no weird food (I’m talking to you, sushi), no Starbuck’s and no Jon Stewart. It will be a quiet, uneventful existence for all. No one will have to worry about jazz (too complicated!), the movies of Tim Burton (too weird!) or the confusing existence of Ru Paul and the feelings she creates. Strom Thurmond will live here, as will Charlton Heston, Jerry Falwell and Anita Bryant (okay, she is technically still alive). And everyone will get what they want: the ability to live free from government interference, without the disgusting specter of mixed-race children, free-thinking or the music of Prince. Of course, there won’t be anyone to hate, anyone to feel superior to, or anything to complain about, so they will probably water the lawn a lot, but there are plenty of churches, so it will be fine. There is also a Cracker Barrel on every corner. God will be there, too, wearing flowing white robes and making sure the rule book is kept up-to-date.

So, there you have it. Everyone has a place in heaven, and everyone should be satisfied. Sound good to you, friends? Sounds good to me.