TV Boyfriends

I was talking to my friend Trisha the other day, and she mentioned her TV Boyfriend.


“What did you just say?” I asked her.

“My TV Boyfriend,” she said. “Like, my pretend boyfriend from a TV show.”

I asked her if she had any other TV Boyfriends, and she named a bunch of guys that I’d never heard of who are on television shows that I’ve never heard of. The good news about that: she and I will never fight over our boyfriends. Bad news: am I desperately unhip? It’s possible.

That got me thinking about who, exactly, my TV Boyfriends were. And the fact that I love talking about TV Boyfriends, because someone invariably says, “You know he’s married,” as if that’s the only obstacle to our happiness. In any event, here goes, in reverse order of importance, and the pros and cons of each:

10. Brian Williams – News anchor on some network. NBC? Pros: Witty, well-informed, and not afraid to poke fun at himself. Cons: Blonde, annoying daughter.

9. Dr. Drew Pinsky – Celebridoctor on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, the Dr. Drew Show, and probably six other shows. I know, a lot of people think Dr. Drew is a publicity whoring shill, but I think he rocks. Pros: helps people, handsome, fit, smart. Cons: would probably make me quit the Ambien, self-described narcissist, former patients keep dying on him. RIP Kenickie.

8. Joshua Jackson – aka Pacey from Dawson’s Creek, currently on Fringe. Pros: Knows the Van Der Beek. Cons: Canadian.

7. Usher – First year coach on The Voice. Pros: Handsome, talented, charismatic, great smile. Cons: Meddling mother, potential forced double dates with the Beibs.

6. Joe Manganiello – He’s Alcede Herveaux from True Blood. Pros: the most handsome of all TV Boyfriends and is 6’5” and has washboard abs. He and I would make beautiful werewolf babies. Cons: Penchant for taking off his shirt, possible werewolf.

5. Goran Visnjik – He was Luka Kovac on ER for several seasons and was hotter than George Clooney. He’s on a show now, but I don’t watch it. Pros: dark, mysterious, foreign, and was almost James Bond before that interloper Daniel Craig stole the role away. Cons: had a secret baby, might have killed some Serbs, is only rated #18 on the Serbian actors of all time.

4. Joel McHale – Host of The Soup and Jeff Winger on Community. Pros: According to my friend Alison, who met him in a Home Depot, he is taller, buffer, hotter, and nicer than he is on television. Also: he shops at Home Depot. Also: Spaghetti Cat. Cons: Wears skinny ties and sometimes looks like he is going for a fauxhawk. Occasionally looks like a skeleton dressed in a suit.

3. Anderson Cooper – He’s Anderson Cooper. Pros: Silver fox, smart, loaded, funny, brave. Cons: Tons of competition, irrevocably homosexual.

2. Jon Stewart – Host of the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Pros: he’s Jon Stewart. Cons: He is tragically short, and is a Mets fan. That’s all I got, people. He’s better with political guests than entertainment guests.

1. Stephen Colbert – Host of the Colbert Report. Can you believe I chose Stephen over Jon? This was a real Sophie’s Choice, except that it wasn’t in any way like Sophie’s Choice. But it was a choice. Pros: Handsome, brilliant, full head of hair, and Catholic. Cons: Elf ears, had a canned ham running his Super PAC, seems obsessive-compulsive.