Useless

I’ve played the piano since I was three years old. When I was growing up, it was a pretty common thing to take lessons, but most of the kids I knew quit by the time they were ten or so. I kept playing, and as an adult, when people learn that I still play the piano, I hear, more often than not, “Oh, I wish I would have kept up with the piano.” Nobody EVER says, “Thank God I quit playing the piano! I mean, really, who needs to understand eighth notes?”

I am similarly glad that I learned how to type, change a tire, that Thirty Days Has December rhyme, and how to add fractions. There are, however, things that I probably could have done without learning. Here’s my list:

Geometry – When I was in high school, geometry was billed as the mathematical discipline that had the greatest practical relevance. My teacher, Mr. Bailey (brilliantly referred to by all as “Beetle”) regularly told us that we would appreciate understanding geometry when we were in the real world, needing to measure a room for wallpaper, or build a house. I disagree. The only thing I have ever used a measuring tape for is to figure out how fat my hips are, and how tall my son is. I have never, NEVER needed to know the circumference of ANYTHING. Area? Schmerea. Geometry is for suckers and nerds.

How to play the recorder – A regular staple of my elementary school music class was the annual Playing of the Recorder. Fact: I was quite good. Another fact: my recorder prowess does not impress on job interviews. If I needed to charm a snake, I suppose this would be useful skill, but, as of now, there is nary a snake in sight. In fact, if I had a recorder today, the only thing I would use it for is to bash anybody who was playing the recorder over the head.

How to diagram a sentence – I know, coming from me, this might be surprising, given my love of subject-verb agreement, appropriate use of adverbs, and not ending sentences with prepositions at. However, even when I am snarkily correcting someone’s grammar, I have never had to draw them a diagram in order to make my point. Even as an English major at a mediocre state school, I never had to use a sentence diagram. Although that would be kind of awesome.

The periodic table of elements – Why?

How to play handball – Maybe this was specific only to my elementary school, but every single year, we had a handball unit in gym. First of all, the United States has never medaled at handball in the Olympics. Second of all, even if I suggested to a group of my closest friends that we play a game of handball, all we would probably end up doing is beaming each other with rocks.

The Pythagorean Theorem – There is no need for this outside of math class, right? Because, as an adult, I have never encountered a problem where I’ve raised my fist to the air, shaken it, and shouted, “If only I remembered the Pythagorean theorem!”

How to mime – Full disclosure: I took a mime class at a rec center when I was in, like, third grade. I guess I wanted to be really prepared for my entry into the miming world. Sadly, I have never had occasion to put on the white makeup and take my miming skills on the road. Okay, real full disclosure: I was only a mediocre mime, even with the class. And I got stuck in an imaginary box for three hours!

Anything about the fake planet Pluto – I have always made it a personal policy not to learn anything about space rocks. But I got tricked, first in high school, then in college, into learning about the Delaware of space: the former planet Pluto. Now that we all know it’s just a dumb rock, I feel hurt, confused, and cheated. I believed in you, Pluto!