The Perfect Man

Occasionally, my shrink gets concerned about the fact that I love my couch and my giant blue sweatpants a lot, while my feelings about people are often less clear-cut. And, while she can accept that I will never be interested in marriage, she thinks that I should do more to engage in a relationship with some poor, unsuspecting guy. Fine. Let the candidates present themselves. Here are my requirements:

1. He cannot be shorter than me. It’s not that I don’t like short men, I just don’t respect them
2. No tattoos. Seriously, people, I don’t like tattoos
3. He must drive as well as Jeremy Clarkson
4. He can’t be blonde. First of all, as my friend Dean will point out, blonde men are invisible to me. Second of all, our children would be too beautiful
5. Also: eyes that are too close together? Not a chance. Paul Rudd, you’re out
6. He has to work out at least four days a week. For realz. Can’t just be “getting back into working out.” He has to prove that he’s been working out at least four days a week for the past five years, or forget it
7. Also, he has to be willing to go running with me at least once a week at my pace. And he can’t bitch about how he’s not getting appropriate cardio. He will just keep his trap shut and run with me and act like it’s fun
8. When I start freaking out about things, which happens, he needs to just keep his advice to himself and fix it
9. He needs to just kill bugs instead of announcing that there is a bug in the house
10. Obviously, he needs to know how to drive a stick-shift car
11. And how to fix shit
12. It is important that he is willing to talk about Aaron Copland, Leonard Bernstein, Yo Yo Ma and Todd Rundgren on a regular basis
13. He must fully appreciate Robin Meade and Cat Deeley
14. And he has to be willing to ATTENTIVELY sit through So You Think You Can Dance and Intervention every week
15. He cannot be a Republican. I am sorry
16. And no small children. I’m done with those
17. He is never allowed to say to me, “Can you cool it on the swearing?”
18. If he has an ex-wife, he must be on excellent terms with her
19. He cannot wear smaller jeans than me
20. And he must read. Books
21. A job. He needs one
22. He has to be willing to sit in the cigarette smoke-filled den that is my mother’s family room at family gatherings, not complain about how it makes his clothes stink, and not start fights with any of my family members, even if he is totally right
23. And he must accept that, if I insist I am right about something, I am right, even if I am dead wrong
24. But he still has to be willing to debate me about things. It’s a fine line
25. He needs to know how to grill, because I sure as shit don’t
26. He must like sports. A lot
27. And he can’t say “we” when he’s talking about his favorite sports team, e.g., “We need to do a better job of passing the ball.”
28. He must get teary-eyed when he hears Carmen Ohio, but not talk about it
29. He must tip well, be generous with his friends, have money in the bank, and regularly get haircuts
30. His teeth must be perfect. Bad teeth really freak me out
31. He needs to leave me alone a lot of the time
32. And not want to move in with me
33. And he can’t ever say that his ex-girlfriend/wife used to let him give it to her up the butt
34. Or that he had a dream that he strangled me
35. And he needs to understand that what I say while under the influence of Ambien is probably best left unmentioned
36. He cannot complain about how my hair is all over his house
37. And he has to think my dog rocks more completely than all other dogs. Because she does
38. He must own every album by the Who
39. He has to think my blog is fucking hilarious
40. And give it a “thumbs up” every week
41. He can never utter the phrase, “I’m not gay, but….”
42. And he can’t ever call a woman fat unless I do first
43. He must hate wind with the same passion I do
44. And he must agree that this list is perfectly sensible