GOODLIFE

Forgive my crassness, but seriously, I get annoyed with pretentious motherfuckers. You probably get annoyed, too. Everyone does, because they represent that thing in us that can’t just quietly enjoy the awesomeness in our lives – we have to make sure to rub it in everyone else’s face.

Now don’t get me wrong – I think we all have the urge. We got a new car, or a new job, or someone told us that we were stellar in some way or other, and we want to share it with the world like this, “Ha HA, world, you never thought I would be anything, but here I am, driving a fancy car that I only ever dreamed of having and LOOK AT ME, my hair is flying IN THE WIND! That’s right! The wind!” That’s what we want to say. But because we have reason and restraint, instead we say, “Got a new car. Yay!” And that’s what keeps our society moving. Not forcing people into your (figurative) ample bosom and forcing them to (figuratively) motorboat it, all the while, yelling, “YOU LOVE MY TITS!” Because that is gross.

This whole idea occurred to me long ago, when I saw on Facebook some status or other that said, “When you see a middle-aged man driving a Chrysler Sebring convertible with a vanity plate that says, ‘GOODLIFE’ you know that person’s screwed,” or something like that. I read that and thought to myself that only a pretentious motherfucker would look at someone driving a car that costs between $22,000 and $36,000, and say, “Thank God I’m too good for that.” That only a pretentious motherfucker would look at someone else’s representation of a really good life, and say, “You suck, loser.”

Perhaps it all just struck me a little too personally, because my father bought a Chrysler Sebring convertible, which he thought was an adorable, sporty car to cruise around town as a legally blind retiree with a concealed gun (that’s a different story), and then he promptly lost most of the function of his legs, and wasn’t really ever able to drive it. To my dad, the good life would be driving at all; he would love to have the freedom to go, move, and be independent, but he doesn’t. That Sebring convertible represented a part of him that he’ll never have back (but don’t worry, he still carries the gun). So, when I think of GOODLIFE, I think about more than material stuff.

I don’t think that pretentious motherfuckers think that way. I think they’re so caught up in their belief that the entire world is looking at them, and judging them by how much they spent on their bag, how many pairs of shoes are in their closet, who designed their living room, what kind of watch they wear, where they vacationed, how disdainful they are of flying anything less than first class, and how nothing, really, is ever good enough for them. But we all see through you. We know that you’re just a person who always felt too shabby, not good enough, not exceptional enough, and maybe, somewhere deep down inside, you still do. But I’m here today to give you hope.

Here’s the deal, pretentious motherfuckers: nobody is really looking at you. We’re all just a little too busy looking at ourselves (have you SEEN our Facebook statuses? You’re not even mentioned!) to worry about what’s going on with you. So, next time you want to comment on how extraordinarily you are living, think a moment about Madonna, who said, “We are living in a material world…and I am a material girl,” and then think about how she is such a mess that she has to have a fake British accent just to get through the day. And then think about Mother Teresa, who was, in her day, widely regarded as one of the least pretentious motherfuckers who ever roamed the planet. She said:

People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.