I hate your beard

Have I said this before?  That beards are dumb?  And that 50% of the reason why men grow beards is because they are desperate hipsters, and the other 50% is because they are with women who, for some reason, would rather date a man with the equivalent of AN ENTIRE GOAT ON THEIR FACE than just say, “Hey, your beard is awful, so damn awful, like a hot, smelly, fur coat on your face?”  Because that is true.  And yes, I only said “women,” because gay men are far too smart and discriminating to let that shit happen with their loved ones. 

I remember a day when only Chester A. Arthur and C. Everett Koop had beards, and that was fine, because beards were a sign of oddness or worse, and nobody wanted that.  But for some reason, dumb millennial hipsters decided that beards were cool, and started growing them by the mile to show how craft beer-y and bacon tee-shirty they were.  Oh, and tattoo-ey. 

But here is what I have to say about that, and I am speaking directly to you, beard men: your beard is ugly.  And if you had any originality IN THE WORLD you would get that shit off of your face, like, stat, and go about showing the world that you, too, have a chin.  I’ve said it, but I’m going to say it again: your beard looks TERRIBLE, and anyone who pretends that it doesn’t IS A LIAR, including, possibly, you.  You cannot be so hideously ugly that a beard makes you less ugly.  It’s just impossible.  SAVE THE WORLD AND SHAVE YOUR DAMN BEARD. 

The end.