So Sorry

Once upon a time, I had to make some people Dead To Me. I’m going to be honest – that is about the most serious step I can take with a person. I generally think that everyone has a reason for the weird things they do, so I try to be understanding, but this group of people had gone over the top, were causing disruption in my life, and were also annoying twits.

As it turns out, the Dead To Me people later found out that the whole reason why they went over the top against me was misguided, as I hadn’t done the Very Horrible Thing they thought I did (which I knew all along, but wasn’t about to tell them, as they were Dead To Me). One of them even apologized! But not to me. To my friend. When my friend – the one who received the apology – gently tried to tell me that I should forgive and forget, I responded, with absolute seriousness, “Um….instead, how about they go fuck themselves?” *

Because there is nothing worse than a non-apology.

Non-apologies have become notorious in the last few years. They generally start out with the words “I’m” and “sorry,” which sounds promising, but those words are then usually followed with the big sin: “if.” If is a word of vacillation. It means something could be so, but it could also not be so. It depends. “I’m sorry IF I hurt your feelings.” It is possible that I didn’t hurt your feelings. It is possible that a person of ordinary sensibility would not have had their feelings hurt. It’s possible that you’re just an oversensitive freak, but all the same, to mollify you, I will pretend to apologize. Here’s an even better one: “I’m sorry IF I did SOMETHING to offend.” This doesn’t even acknowledge a specific act. It is saying that, really, in the world, there are people for whom the mere act of my existence is offensive, and owing to their delicate nature, we all have to walk on eggshells. So, IF the fact of my mere presence is offensive to you, then I am sorry that you are you.

Do you see how this is crazy-making, these non-apologies? The most infamous non-apology is, “Mistakes were made.” That is as indirect as one can get; the fact that there was no regret or remorse is almost obliterated by the fact there is no direct object in the sentence!

So, today, I am going to help everyone. According to the UMass Amherst Family Business Center, here are the elements of a meaningful apology:

1. A statement of regret, e.g., “I am sorry”

2. An acceptance of responsibility for your actions, “That I punched your dog”

3. A statement of willingness to remedy or not repeat your actions, “I will bandage its nose”

4. Given to the person who was harmed, e.g., it doesn’t help to apologize to the cat

5. Sincerity, meaning that you have to actually mean it

6. No excuses, so you can’t say, “But in all truth, the dog had it coming. She knows why.”

Oh, by the way, I regret if you interpreted anything in this blog as offensive to you. Mistakes are occasionally made, and the intention was good. Okay? Good. I feel better, too.

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* From this blog, it might appear that my entire life consists of me spending hours each day lining up people and telling them go fuck themselves. If only, people!