Millenials!

One evening, my precious twenty-year-old son was over at my house for a visit. I was watching America’s Next Top Model, and he was simultaneously sending snap chats, on Facebook, texting friends, watching a video online, taking phone calls, and watching the television. At some point, I looked over at him and said, “You know, once you have children, you’re actually going to have to get off of all of your electronics and actually raise them.”

“Nah,” he responded. “There will be an app for that.”

And that’s why I’m super annoyed with Millenials. In case you didn’t read about what Millenials are in this blog, they are people born between 1982 and 2001. They have a reputation for being fantastically self-absorbed and privileged, although I have to say, they are pretty handy with the technology. Now, just as I’m sure there are Canadians who aren’t bastards and Scorpios who aren’t deviants, I am certain that Millenials who are not annoying also exist - but color me skeptical. Here are a few of my gripes about you, the Lamest Generation:

1. You immediately run out and buy BMWs when anything goes your way. Stop buying BMWs! Unless you want the Germans to win.

2. When top level executives at your company say they have an open-door policy, you assume they actually mean it. News flash: they don’t care about your opinion, and they don’t want you in their office. Put your stupid head down and get to work. And I know that work is sometimes, “not what you really want to do.” All I want to do is work out and drink wine, but I don’t feel the need to tell everybody.

3. Speaking of stupid heads: you also think that basic rules of grammar don’t apply to you. And yet they do. They really do.

4. It is not adorable when you bring your infant children into bars. I totally get that you need to drink your shandy with your besties, but it’s no longer about you anymore. The only person who ever made anything of himself after being raised in a bar is Babe Ruth, and the only reason why you even recognize the name Babe Ruth is from the movie the Sandlot. He was a real person!

5. And baseball reminds me of all of your fake trophies. I am just going to break it to you right now: you didn’t earn any of those trophies. You got them because you grew up during a time when everyone was number one and everyone was a winner, and you fell for it. Although thanks for keeping trophy makers in business. Mighty charitable of you.

6. Ugh! Charity! You guys think that you’re actually doing charitable work by hitting the “like” button on Facebook for some stupid cause like, “Wear a red bra to show that you support breast health.” Charity is not a click. Unless you are clicking out dollars from your dollar belt directly into the hands of a charity. But I recommend just writing a check. Wait, do you even know HOW to write a check?

7. Oh, Facebook: changing your profile name from your actual name to a combination of your first and middle name is not going to protect your employers from finding all of those pictures and status updates of your underage binge drinking. Sorry. Actually, not sorry.

8. In other “sorry” related news, you were all raised to believe that just saying sorry erases the stain from your bullying, sexting, law-breaking, self-centeredness, and general putzitude. But I am tired of hearing, “Well, I’m sorry if that bothers you.” Try actually being sorry, rather than just saying it, and fix the things you’ve broken.

9. And, now that I think of it, stop using “bullying” as a synonym for “I am acting like an asshole, and someone just pointed that out to me.” Bullying is a terrible and specific thing; it is not general criticism. If you’re acting like an asshole, people have a right to treat you like an asshole. Try not acting like an asshole.

10. Your reaction to this blog is probably to go cry to your mommy or daddy to write me a strongly worded email. That’s how you made student council/got that cool internship/broke your lease without ramifications/got your last boss fired, right? Cool.

11. Oh, one last thing: stop flat ironing your hair to death, wearing shirts that are a size too small, going to wine night at Giant Eagle, texting on your phone while driving DESPITE THE FACT THAT IT’S CLEARLY AGAINST THE LAW AND HAVEN’T YOU SEEN THOSE COMMERCIALS??? THEY’RE TALKING TO YOU, hogging all of Netflix, making up new forms of social media, loving Johnny Depp, and starting sentences with “I.” Thank you!