The Tourism Board Welcomes You

Because I grew up in a family that liked to travel by car, I have visited all but twelve of the United States. Some I visited for a day or longer, some I just passed through, having a meal or waiting for my parents to fill up the tank. I have an impression of every state, based on my visit there, but unfortunately, I have only my guesses about what the remaining states are like. Here are my impressions, let me know if I’m right or not:

Alaska – Full of convicts on the run, bears, Palins, and natural beauty that the aforementioned Palins would like to ruin. Drill, baby, drill!

Hawaii – Tourists everywhere, bugs the size of tennis racquets. One thing I know: do NOT take the tiki idols.

Idaho – Everyone has a gun and an underground bunker.

Maine – Lots of monosyllabic creeps who are not above murder. Damn you, Stephen King!

Montana – My guess is that Montana is the Alaska of the lower 48. Not a lot of people, and don’t ask a lot of questions. Also: Montana purports to have a capital city (Helena) and a most populous city (Billings), but the only place anyone mentions is Missoula. So, I suspect that those other cities just have those old-timey western-town store fronts that have nothing behind them. Just a guess.

New Hampshire – I am pretty sure my neighbor is from New Hampshire. I just learned this about six months ago, and my immediate response was, “I didn’t know your state was real.”

North Dakota – Pregnant police officers, wood chippers, and inept criminals. Wonder where I got that impression.

Oregon – Wet.

South Dakota –Listen to these landmarks: the Black Hills, Mount Rushmore, The Badlands, Wind Cave, Deadwood, Crazy Horse. I want to go to there.

Vermont – I don’t like syrup, so I’ve never been interested in this state. Also: I think George Washington was an ass. Everyone says he was so great for confessing to chopping down the cherry tree. Everyone overlooks the fact that that little sociopath chopped down a cherry tree for no good reason. Jerk.

Wisconsin – Mmmmmm. Cheese. Now, I have never been a fan of Brett Favre, but I am a fan of Aaron Rodgers (he’s cute!), and, of course, Laverne and Shirley. That is enough recommendation for me.

Wyoming – I am pretty sure that Jellystone Park is in Wyoming, as well as its lesser-known counterpart, Yellowstone Park. I have never heard that there is anything else in this state.