Wednesday, November 30, 2011

10,000

Cats with Knives recently received its 10,000th view. What the hell is that all about? In honor, I wanted to give you my 10,000 favorite posts. That is a lie! But here are my favorites! Anything that's underlined in this post is linked for you to read. Note: Oprah is not mentioned in this list of favorites anywhere. You know that she traded the souls of a million puppies for her success, don’t you?

Get in Line, Delilah, you’re next – Ha ha! Remember when Dr. Laura said the N* word eleven times?! She is a real asshole!

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right – I wrote this right after those Chilean miners got rescued. Thank God Kim Kardashian got married so we could finally stop hearing about them!

The First Year of Law School – The first year of law school is like being forced to amputate your own leg without anesthesia, and then having your dissection graded. On a curve. Where the average is a B-.
Scan, baby, scan – I am the first person to volunteer to be scanned in an airport. First of all, everyone is so lucky to see me all naked, and second, I bet radiation is secretly good for you. In addition to that, it’s the least I can do for the 2,977 people who died because these measures were not in place on September 11, 2001. Fucking terrorists.

Bentennial – The best stories are true stories, and the true story of a swim meet gone wrong is one of my favorites. What I didn’t mention was the sort of inherent creepiness of a high school swim meet. Too much skin is all I’m saying.

Go Bucks – I love my Buckeyes, but Buckeye fans make me crazy. Written back in the glory days of Buckeye football, when Tressel was still da man, and tattoos hadn’t ruined everyone’s life (AS I HAVE ALWAYS PREDICTED THEY WOULD).

40 – As it turns out, I’m one of those awesome 40-year-olds. So, sorry for those of you who weren’t hit with the amazing stick. And by amazing stick, I mean lint brush.

Afraid to Fly – I am really afraid of flying, and I really do all of these things. Now, the upshot to all of this is that on a flight from Columbus to Phoenix, a fundamentalist survivalist taught me the secret to apocalypse survival: millet. So, you’re welcome.

In Offense of Marriage – Most people are cut out for marriage. But I’m not. I will, however, totally put out for a guy who can put that plastic stuff on my windows in the winter and buy me dinner.

When You’re Gone – I really love my son. My therapy bill has gone up exponentially since he went to college, but that’s mostly because he’s no longer around to check the house for killers. In any event, it’s nice to have captured this moment in time. I hope he reads this when I’m dead and he’s thinking about dancing on my grave.

Can I Get an Amen and God Bless You Raymond Towler – Ah, well. You know, I’m just a nice Catholic girl who loves good grammar and hates injustice. While these posts may never have the popularity of the one about made-up state capitals or where I gave college advice to my son, they come from the depths of my heart.

Thanks for reading, everyone. If I haven’t mentioned one of your favorites, let me know what it was and I will personally come to your house (if it’s close to me and I feel like it) and smack your children around with a copy. Rock on. (Clasps hands together in praying gesture and takes bow.)

Thursday, November 24, 2011

A Cats with Knives Thanksgiving

I have a love-hate relationship with Thanksgiving. On one hand, I love it, because it’s a fun family gathering and a good excuse to take stock of all of the wonderful things in my life. On the other hand, it is a known fact that I despise almost every form of Thanksgiving food. Turkey? Don’t eat it. Stuffing? Stuff this, fatso. Green beans? Work of the devil. Yams with marshmallows? Why would anyone do that to another person? Also, with this whole Facebook thing, people now use Thanksgiving as an excuse to YELL at PEOPLE in CAPITAL LETTERS about WHAT THEY SHOULD BE THANKFUL FOR, and I then have to go run over some military people or inspiring children to provide an effective counterbalance. I don’t want to, but the forces of the universe demand it.

But, on the whole, I’m thankful. And, this evening, when we gather together to share what we're thankful for, I am not just going to blurt out that I'm thankful for the health of my family, my beloved son, my plushy dog, my wonderful friends, and for the full use of my mind and body, but I'm going to add these things:

1. I am thankful that my son does not post pictures of himself indulging in underage drinking on Facebook, because that is some tacky-ass shit.
2. …that God saw fit to help me understand the difference between social activism and posting insane comments on USAToday.com.
3. …for the Lone Wolf episode of Laverne and Shirley
4. …for sriracha, wasabi, Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing, red wine, coffee, arugula, peanut butter, and my beloved, beloved chocolate.
5. …that most numbers are either divisible by two, the sum of their digits equals something divisible by two, or are not prime. The number 47 is conspicuously absent from my gratitude.
6. …for Todd Rundgren.
7. …for everyone who agrees with me that people falling down is always hilarious, as long as they are not old (sometimes also when they’re old).
8. …for blog readers, reposters, and commenters. Holla!
9. …for computer mahjongg.
10. …for my television mute button, so I never have to hear Chris Spielman provide “analysis” of a football game.
11. …for Mel Boughn, who taught me how to change a tire so I’m not a loser girl standing on the side of the road, just waiting to get killed by drifters. Hi, Mel!
12. …for Mizuno running shoes.
13. …for working on the fourth floor, so I hardly ever have to die in a terrible elevator accident.
14. …that I mostly obey my rule not to Facebook after the ambien has kicked in.
15. …for those who know that prudence dictates the best times to say, ‘that’s what she said.’
16. …for all of my friends who quietly kick ass.
17. …for Wikipedia, the source of most of my information. Thanks, nerds!
18. …for the fact that I was TOTALLY the first person to notice that Cee Lo Green and Gremlin from McDonalds look EXACTLY the same.
19. …that my house has not had temporary or permanent infestations of insects or rodents, because if you think I’m high strung now….
20. …for those who aren’t too cool to provide an enthusiastic thank-you wave whenever the occasion demands it. I have it on good authority that non-thank-you wavers are going straight to hell.
21. …for the fact that Pandora has the thumbs-down button for every time Michael Bublé comes on.
22. …for not being afraid to abruptly end a blog

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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Vampires vs. Zombies

In case you are not clear on how I feel about a lot of things, the answer is this: scared. A list of the things I am scared of includes Igloo coolers, stale candy, laser pointers, deep venous thrombosis, ninja killers in the attic, and any other host of things, including vampire attack. But not until recently did I develop a fear of zombies. And quite frankly, I blame all of you.

The reason why I blame you is because you are probably watching the show The Walking Dead on AMC. Now, most of you know AMC for the cultural phenomenon Mad Men. The Walking Dead is just like Mad Men, except that instead of being set in an advertising firm in the 1960s, it is set in Georgia in some time like now, and by Georgia, of course, I mean a deserted wasteland overrun by zombies. Now, many people who watch The Walking Dead also watch True Blood, a hit show on HBO that is just like HBO’s other hit series Boardwalk Empire, except instead of a Boardwalk, there is a Bayou, and instead of an Empire, there is a loosely-associated monarchy of vampires controlled by The Authority.

I can deal with True Blood because, in essence, it is a show about politics and sex, both of which I can handle. The vampires are totally urbane and sophisticated and intelligent, and have a surprising depth to them, despite their, you know, sociopathic instinct to murder. So for some reason, I thought that The Walking Dead was going to be like True Blood, but that zombies would come with their own rules and operational proceedings. As it turns out, that is not the case at all.

I got through one episode of The Walking Dead – the pilot – and am still freaking out, three weeks after watching it on Time Warner Cable Entertainment On Demand channel 402. I did not know, until that point, that I had anything more to fear in my life, but it turns out I do. Zombies. And, in case you didn’t know, zombies are nothing like vampires. Zombies just walk around like this all the time: (goes slack in face, puts arms slightly in front of body, tilts head to one side, opens mouth, shuffles forward with dead eyes). They don’t have conversations where they relive the fun of the roaring twenties. They don’t bicker awesomely. They are just goddamn zombies.

Now, don’t get me wrong, vampires are scary. After all, they will drain your blood and their fangs are sharp! But, for my money, zombies are MUCH scarier. Here’s why:

1. While a vampire would kill you, he would probably glamour you first, so you wouldn’t feel a thing
2. A zombie, on the other hand, would eat you. That is no good.
3. Even though zombies are pretty easy to kill (you just have to get ‘em in the head!), they travel in GIANT ZOMBIE PACKS and they detect people by sound! Realistically, how many zombies could you hit in the head with a shovel before you got tired? I say I have the energy for two, and then there I’d be, zombies eating my intestines. Bummer!
4. While harder to kill, vampires are also easier to avoid! Just limit yourself to only going out in the daytime, and locking yourself in a silver vault at night. Easy peasy.
5. Zombies might be in your basement right now.
6. Vampires would never be in your basement. Your basement is far too gauche.
7. Vampires would either kill you outright, just take a little blood, or turn you into a vampire, which seems to involve being super rich and gorgeous.
8. If zombies don’t kill you (for example, they might just bite off a piece of your butt), then you turn into a zombie, which entails turning grey and moldy looking and doing the above-mentioned slack-jaw shuffle. NO GOOD!
9. If a vampire just makes a little snack of you, then you can live a totally normal life by taking iron pills and using some hypoallergenic concealer on your bite marks
10. See number 8 regarding zombies. And then, if you turn into a zombie, you have to eat people. And know the Thriller dance by heart!
11. Being scared of zombies is a lot scarier than being scared of vampires. For example, you might be walking your dog at approximately 5:15 in the morning and mistake the guy delivering the New York Times to your more intellectual and liberal neighbors for a zombie. It is criminal the kind of slack jawed shuffle-walkers the New York Times lets deliver newspapers!
12. Vampires would never stoop to paper delivery. Fact.
13. If a vampire was standing behind me right now, and got me with a swift set of fangs to the neck, he would probably finish this post with something like, “I am leaving now forever. Do not try to contact me, imbecile humans.”
14. If a zombie was standing behind me right now and got me with a swift chomp to the torso, he probably wouldhntjkxihyt woiroiyw73r4yoi&EWkjwheroiuOUry(YWk’foliqwu h2y

(Zombies can’t type.)

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Thursday, November 10, 2011

Happy Birthday, Dad!

A couple of years ago, I had a friend say to me, “Your parents are divorced, right?”

Shocked, I responded, “No way! Why do you think that?”

“Well, because you talk about your mom a lot, but you don’t ever talk about your dad,” she responded.

“That’s just because my mom’s such an easy target,” I replied easily.

But my parents have been married over 50 years, and my father celebrates his 80th birthday this week – a huge accomplishment, given the state of his health in the past few years. So, in tribute, I wanted to share my favorite Dad story.

First of all, some background: My dad was almost 40 when I was born, and, while he was healthy and active during my early childhood, a couple of broken legs, gout and weight gain led him to become inactive, and inactivity led to diabetes and heart disease over the past twenty or so years. Several years ago, the diabetes became so bad that it led to two major complications: peripheral neuropathy, which makes it hard for him to feel the ground under his feet, and diabetic retinopathy, which has led to a major reduction in his eyesight. In fact, before he had laser surgery for the retinopathy and a couple of cataracts, he was considered legally blind. So, to be clear, he’s a fat blind guy sitting in a chair.

Despite the fact that he seldom drove because of his pain, difficulty moving and vision problems, his driver’s license was extremely important to him. He wanted to be able to drive a car if he needed to, so he set about renewing his driver’s license – a difficult task for someone who is legally blind. He went to the place where licenses are handed out, and was issued the standard eye test. Fail. They gave it to him a second time, with his glasses. Fail. Down, but not out, he returned home to ponder his next big move.

Meanwhile, in our state, a concealed carry law had just been passed. And my dad was super excited about that, and eager to get his permit to carry a concealed weapon.

“Why do you want a permit to carry a concealed weapon?” I asked him, when he told me about getting his permit.

“Because I already carry a gun,” he explained patiently. “I’m carrying one right now.”

The guy was wearing pajama bottoms and a cardigan, so I don’t know where the gun was, but in any event, that was his rationale, and nothing was going to stop him from getting his permit.

In order to get the concealed carry permit, he had to take a class on gun safety, take a written test on gun stuff, and pass a shooting exam. He was all over it. He sat in front during the safety lectures and raised his hand for every question, and aced the written exam. The shooting exam was set for a week later.

In the meantime, he had the matter of the vision test for his driver’s license renewal. He decided to go back and give the DMV one more shot. Using all of his Spidey senses, he read that eye chart boldly, proudly, and with confidence.

Fail.

“I don’t think you understand,” he said to the guy at the DMV.

“Understand what?” the guy said.

“I am but an old man,” he replied. “I have nothing left in my life. My kids are all gone, my friends are all dead, I’m retired, and now…..now, you’re trying to take away the one thing I have left….my independence.”

The guy looked at my dad. My dad looked back, a tear trickling down his cheek like that Native American in the littering commercial.

“But…,” the guy said.

“Ahem,” my dad said, pointing at the single teardrop.

“Oh, fine,” the guy said, stamping his paper. “You can have your license.”

A week later, my dad took his shooting exam. The exam required him to shoot at a bullseye 10 times, and I know the results because he proudly posted them on the bathroom window, where they stayed for the next several years. Why there? Got me. Anyway, the results were this: 10 shots, 9 bullseyes, dead center. The shooting instructor said that he’d never seen that kind of accuracy from a layperson and that my dad was, “Some kind of savant.”

What is the moral of this story? Easy: watch out for my dad, because he’s blind, he’s got a driver’s license, and he’s got a gun.

Happy birthday, Dad. Here’s to the next 80.

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Monday, November 7, 2011

Eddie Murphy - American Treasure

You thought this title was a joke, right? I am completely serious. Sure, he has languished in two archetypes: the loveable rogue with a potty mouth (48 hours, Beverly Hills Cop, Shrek, Trading Places) or the comic buffoon (The Nutty Professor, Dr. Dolittle, Norbit). I submit, however, that Murphy also has a fine body of work that actually supports his artistry and talent. Need proof? Consider the following films: Boomerang, Bowfinger, Life and Dreamgirls.

Boomerang (1992) – This is one of my top five films of all time. Probably one of yours, too, because it is AWESOME! It has Murphy all over it, which it should, because he helped create the story. This was really the first time that we actually saw Eddie Murphy be anything other than the comic fool, the troublemaker, or the raunchy comedian. Seriously, guys, I was traumatized by Raw. That shit was TOO raw for me. Anyway, Murphy’s character, Marcus Graham, was perfectly played – not overblown, but not pathetically sympathetic, either. And, as the lead actor, and truly the star of this film, Murphy allowed his costars to really come out and shine as well. The Martin Lawrence, “Racial, man, racial,” motif is still culturally relevant, and the Marcus Graham meltdown, cultivating in the most awful commercial ever created, remains a surprising, entertaining piece of work. I could go on and on about why Boomerang is an Important Film, but maybe I’ll save that for another blog.

Bowfinger (1999) – Have you seen this movie? If you haven’t, run out and find it right now! The plot is too bizarre to even begin to describe, but it’s a Mel Brooks storyline combined with Robert Altman’s sense of self-absorption and parody. Murphy plays two roles, Kit and Jiff Ramsey - one an egotistical, pampered action star, and one a dimwit with a need to please and a great set of braces. If Murphy were a lesser actor, he would have overplayed both roles, but he is a greater actor, and again brings just enough to the characters to make them interesting, relatable, and hilarious.

Life (1999) – 1999 was a busy year for Murphy, and Life did better at the box office than Bowfinger, so maybe you’ve seen this one. And maybe, when you saw the previews for this movie, you thought it was going to be a carbon copy of the excellent 1980 film Stir Crazy, which was also about two somewhat ridiculous men who were wrongly imprisoned. But while I think everyone expected Life to stay firmly planted in the world of slapstick, similar to Stir Crazy, it didn’t. It is a movie that suddenly takes its audience from ridiculous escape plots and standard slapstick to dead serious themes of racism, the hopelessness of prison, and what it actually means to be a societal have-not. The movie would fail with lesser actors than Lawrence and Murphy, who are both excellent. Also: Bernie Mac!

Dreamgirls (2006) – While I thought this movie was approximately 90 minutes too fucking long, Murphy’s character, Thunder Early, was interesting, complex and subtle. Murphy won a Golden Globe for this role and was nominated for an Oscar, but lost to Alan Arkin, who gave a once-in-a-lifetime performance in Little Miss Sunshine. While I admit that Arkin thoroughly deserved his Oscar, it pisses me off that Murphy has only one nomination to his name. This role showed Murphy’s ability to play a straight dramatic role with sincerity and passion.

If you haven’t seen these movies, run out RIGHT NOW and rent them (and by that, I mean go online and download them), before Murphy hosts the 2012 Academy Awards and gets overexposed. And somebody let me know if Tower Heist is any good. That scene that they keep showing on the previews with Gabourey Sidibe is freaking me out.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Top Five Deserted Island Songs

I don’t know about you, but I would say about 30% of my mental energy is spent making emergency desert island decisions. I am serious. I just know that, one day, I am going to be delivered a note with the following instructions:

IN ONE HOUR, YOU WILL BE EXILED TO A DESERTED ISLAND. THERE IS NO CHOICE. IF YOU ARE NOT READY, YOU WILL DIE. IF YOU DO NOT FOLLOW THE RULES, YOU WILL DIE. IF YOU FOLLOW THE RULES, YOUR FAMILY WILL BE SPARED. YOU WILL BE SAFE ON THE DESERT ISLAND, BUT ISOLATED FROM HUMANITY FOREVER–EVER-EVER-EVER.

RULES:
1. You may only take five comfort items.
2. You may only take five books.
3. You may only take five pictures.
4. You may only take five items of clothing.
5. You may only take five songs.

I could knock out the first four items on this list in about five minutes. As long as I have my giant blue sweatpants, Gone with the Wind, and the ONE picture of me where I look thin AND pretty, I’m good to go. The last item, on the other hand...that’s a decision that I’ve agonized over.

My mental process for determining if a song makes the list is simple: the song has to be something I am willing to listen to, twenty times a day at least, for the rest of my life. Just think about that! There have been many excellent songs to consider. I love the Police, I love the sound of Sting’s voice, and they have a number of excellent songs. But none that I could listen to every day for the rest of my life. I think that “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins is a work of art (yes, I'm serious, asshole - don't pretend that you don't love it, too). But if I had to listen to it twenty times a day, I would hang myself from the nearest coconut tree within a week. I love Bonnie Raitt, but her music is too straightforward to make it to the desert island. Let’s face it, listening to shit all day long is what has made me, my couch, and silence a long-lasting trio. My tolerance is low, people.

Surprisingly, however, a number of songs have come close to being on the list. A lot of them are by Ben Folds, who sings from the heart, writes great lyrics, and can play the piano like a possessed motherfucker. At this point, however, Ben has not made the cut. Same with my beloved Pete Townshend and The Who. Their bodies of work are amazing, but ultimately, not desert island amazing ("Slit Skirts" may sneak in as a last-minute panic replacement, though. You never know.) John Mayer actually came close to making the list, but I cannot get over the whole “Jessica Simpson is sexual napalm” and “I have a racist dick” thing, so he is exiled from the desert island on a moral clause. Tough luck, Mayer. Maybe you’ll think before you speak next time.

Each time I think I have my list set, I think of another song that I’m pretty sure I can’t live without, and I imagine myself, on my desert island, disconsolate because I forgot The Most Important Song. But, if I’m exiled to a desert island in the next five minutes, here’s the list:

Todd Rundgren – "Hope I’m Around" – This one was easy. If I could kidnap Todd Rundgren, chain him to a piano and make him sing songs to me all day, I would seriously consider it. I had a friend say to me one time, “I tried that whole Todd Rundgren thing, but I just don’t think he’s great.” That friend no longer has a torso. Coincidence?

The Replacements – "Unsatisfied" – ‘Mats fans will debate their greatest songs forever, but everyone has a soft spot for this one. And in the end, I don’t think anyone ever CAN tell Paul Westerberg that he’s satisfied. But he can continue to ask.

Branford Marsalis Quartet – "Lykief" – The only way that I will ever fully understand the depth of brilliance in this song is if I listen to it twenty times a day for the rest of my life.

Yo Yo Ma, Edgar Mayer and Mark O’Connor – "First Impressions" – If you listen to this song, you’ll understand.

The Pretenders – "Brass in Pocket" – You ARE special, Chrissie.